Russian roulette
by kurai ren
Summary: "Arthur-san, promise you won t leave me even if you hate me?" "I promise Kiku, I will always be here and I will help you step by step." Sayonara...BANG! Sensitive issues, character(s) might be a bit OCC...Just another something I want to get out of my system...accompaniment to "Broken"


A/N: Sorry another thing I have to get out of my chest...sorry if they`re mostly depressed fics…but I can`t help it…I`m so depressed…

Warning: based on something I almost did…this is quite inaccurate…yes I admit to have held the revolver but I did not shoot myself…well almost…

Disclaimer: Not mine

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I sat down by the floor of the master`s bedroom, An old revolver on my lap and blood on my wrist. I sat there staring at the open safe. My chest felt numb but I could still feel the tears trailing down my cheek. I can`t move on, I can`t live. I stared down at the revolver, depression overtaking me I pointed the muzzle on my forehead. I stared at it, stared at the gun. I was playing Russian roulette, hoping that maybe I`d die.

I still missed him dearly, my best friend, the person who always forgave me for whatever I`ve done, the person who promised never to hate me, who promised to never abandon me. I really tried to rebuild my life but it just keeps crashing down on me whenever I see him or when I hear his name. It`s like a repeating cycle built to destroy me. Almost every day I would cry myself to sleep and when I awake in the morning I try to smile as much as possible…

I pulled the trigger…

Bang! an empty shell…

I remember his promise, his words, those words that gave me hope. That gave me so much promise and eased my fears. The person I know would feel upset over my death and the death of others. I miss him still and I know I would always for he still holds a special place in my heart. No matter how much Alfred tries to cheer me up, no matter how many times Gilbert gets in trouble for trying to make me smile…Arthur still is special for me…because he was the person I trusted the most…

Bang! Another empty shell…

I miss those times when he would cheer me up, hug and soothe me when I`m depressed. I miss those times when we would have tea under the sakura trees, or sometimes within his rose garden. I miss those times when we would talk nonstop while gazing at the stars. I miss those times when he would rant, complain and sometimes cry over his problems. I miss those times when he would talk about his adventures as a pirate…I miss those times when we`re together…

BANG! Another empty shell….

I think he would be happy to see me die, then he wouldn`t have to feel responsible for what I have done. Then he wouldn`t have to think of me. Then no one would have to be responsible for me, to think of me, to remember me. I know they`ll be happy about my death. Who wouldn`t be happy over the death of Evil me…after everything I`ve done…I`m sure Arthur would be the happiest…

BANG! Another Empty shell…

Two more left…

I shared down at the blood, red and pretty, a deep crimson. I stared at it. I remember his sad face when I would hurt myself, his upset frown when I`m crying, his angered face when I`m bullied and his smiling eyes when I`m happy. I miss him so much. I feel so alone and lost without him. So sad. so depressed. But he`s happier now…

BANG! Another empty shell

One left to go…

The muzzle was still pointed at my forehead. I stared at it, staring at the last shell, the last one. I`m sure to die after I shot this. I bit my lower lip, the tears have yet to cease. I remember the faces of my friends, Alfred, Gilbert, Feliciano, Ludwig, Antonio, Francis and Lovino. I whispered a silent good bye…The last time I talked to them we all had an argument over my behaviour. I felt guilty for putting all their efforts in futile but what could I have done? what could I do? I`m so hurt...everything just hurts...and all I could tell them was I`m sorry...

"I`m _Sorry for Living…_"

I remember Lovino`s words when we argued. I told him that it was best of I died and he said it isn`t. No one would be happy if I did and they will all be upset. I argued that Arthur would and then he told me that he wouldn`t, that Arthur would be too guilty over my death. But I didn`t listen because if Arthur did care…he wouldn`t have abandoned me…he would still be with me, helping me...he would have nbot abandoned me...he would have not broken his promise...

"_Arthur-san, promise you won`t leave me even if you hate me?"_

"_I promise Kiku, I will always be here and I will help you step by step."_

_**Sayonara...**_

_**BANG!**_

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A/N: I`ll be leaving that to your imagination…you can either kill him or not it`s all up to you… Unfortunately since I`m a depressed mess I still cannot write any fanfic…plus with college and the fact I`m emotionally unstable since apparently I almost killed myself…I might not write for a while…..

Anyway…as he said…I`m sorry for being Alive!


End file.
